This is the worst job of them all—Football Manager

I used to think that the most dangerous job in the world is sewer diving—that job which entails one sliding down maintenance holes, to wade through raw human shit in sewerage running underneath. In Malawi we call these brave men amazambezi—men with nostrils of concrete and cilia as thick as grass—no amount of stench can intimidate them. I must confess I have all the while been wrong, misled. I think the worst job isn’t sewer diving; it is football coaching.

As I am writing this article, the newspapers have confirmed the news that was making rounds—Malawi Men’s National Team Coach, Ernest Mtawali, has been sacked. His former deputy, Nsanzurwimo Ramadhan, a Burundian with unquestionable experience, very much liked in Malawi—has now taken over the mantle on acting capacity.

Mtawali’s sin—his salary was coming from an activity that was not producing results. He has been there for nine months, a complete pregnancy, yet he never delivered, and for that, they’ve sacked him. And what is more disturbing is that with the sack comes all sorts of blame on the man.

A number of people have expressed their sentiments over using Mtawali as a scapegoat when so many things are operating on emergency mode in the country. I share those sentiments. First, I suppose a man who sits on the bench should carry the smallest of the blame segment. But football being football has its own way of perceiving things—from your bench you must make sure your boys don’t shoot blindly or you risk your neck. Mtawali, a faithful gentleman who sacrificed so much for his country when young, has been deemed a failure in the eyes of those who look for results from a team depleted of resources and morale, a team firing from old, empty cannons.

The records I consulted show me from 1998 to date, Malawi has changed football coaches a good seventeen times, that’s average of something like 1.05 coaches every year. I am not sure we have won anything in this period except perhaps something they call plate or shield—heavens know what this thing is. In the same period, England, like father like son, have had eight coaches—not good for a father. And with all the facilities and branding that football is in England, they haven’t won anything in this period. Perhaps we’re better off with the limited resources at our disposal.

As for England, of the eight coaches in the period, Sven-Goran Eriksson (2001-06) was the longest serving, followed by Roy Hodgson (2012-16). Of course, Fabio Capello too had stayed for some time (2008-11).

My belief that football coaching is the worst job of them all started when I read what the media had written about McClaren, and this has been fortified this week following the resignation of Hodgson from his English duty, and of course the sack of our own Mtawali.

Writing on BBC on the morning of 22 November, 2007, Phil McNulty observed that McClaren’s appointment ‘had the pungent smell of compromise and eventual failure about it’. He added McClaren had come on the scene ‘with a curious mixture of accident and very little design’. The illustrating photo of the story showed McClaren in a big FA umbrella, with the illustrating words saying something like by using the brolly (umbrella) when his team was losing, McClaren’s immediate concern had been to keep his hair dry rather than inspire his boys to glory. That same day, afternoon, BBC ran another story—this time McClaren had officially been sacked.

The illustrating story of this new story showed McClaren with his wife, coming out of a room, both looking scared—I should believe from the cameras outside. The illustrating words said, “McClaren and wife Kathryn leave the venue of the news conference’. That photo summarized what McClaren had said in that news conference, that losing the England manager’s job was the saddest day of his career.

I felt for him and thought this man would never ever accept another coaching job in his life. I was wrong. In June 2015 he was appointed head coach for Newcastle United. To my amazement, he accepted the position only to be sacked in March this year (2016) after winning only six of the 28 Premier League games in charge. In his words after the sack, McClaren said he remained confident Newcastle were staying in the Premier League. He was wrong; the new manager, Rafa Benitez went down with it—they will now be playing in the Championship.

The comment Gary Lineker, former England player, made on twitter following the news McClaren had been sacked by Newcastle left me quaking. “Newcastle,” he said, “have finally put Steve McClaren out of his misery.”

And on Monday this week, McClaren’s picture came again. This time in a different role. ‘The Telegraph’ of 28 June 2016 showed McClaren reacting to a goal that was to force Roy Hodgson to choose a quick announcement of resignation. Headphones on as Sky Sport HQ analyst for that Iceland-England game, his face like stone, depicted his reaction at the exact moment Iceland had inflicted the pain on England when Kolbeinn Sigthorsson’s shot beat Joe Hart, Three Lions’ goalie. That humiliation is said to be one of the worst defeats in that team’s 144-year history.

But I have words of encouragement for England. We have experienced such humiliations every year since 1966 when our national team, The Flames, were assembled.

Within 20 minutes of the final whistle, Roy Hodgson, 68 years, said he would be leaving the position on the expiry of his contract this month. The whole thing became fodder for Diego Maradona who described the defeated squad as ‘short on talent and steel’, running around ‘aimlessly’ against the minnows, Iceland.

And yahoo sport had an article which warned anyone aspiring for the Three Lions’ job, proffering what it described as ‘6 schoolboy errors’ which the new manager should pin up on his office wall to constantly remind himself of the errors he will have to avoid. The errors run as follows: (1) I will not pick unfit players (2) I will not experiment with my team at key times (3) I will not waste the chance to establish a style of play (4) I will not let players retreat behind headphones at the expense of camaraderie (5) I will not leave any players about who is in charge and (6) I will not get complacent. Surely a toll order for anyone aspiring for this job, no wonder Gareth Southgate, their under-21 coach made it clear he had no intention to succeed Roy Hodgson as coach. But coaches being coaches, you will see someone coming over to take that poisoned chalice.

England like Malawi have a name that would make you think there’s no way they can lose. The Three Lions like Malawi’s Flames are a source of ridicule in footballing circles; it is just a mistake that we point at coaches whenever we suffer humiliation. It is this fact, I mean the fact that you carry the blame for these lazy boys, that makes this job precarious—real poisoned chalice. Sometimes I say maybe it can work with bachelors with no children—the embarrassment can be limited with only a single man to bear. Don’t you think so?

However football being football these coaches will come again to be sacked again. So Mtawali and Hodgson, don’t worry; no one stays on this job; soon we shall need you again, of course, to sack you again.